Thrill in the Hills 1/2 Marathon

It's week one of my taper and its proving harder than I thought.

I've commited to giving up bodyweight workouts and any non-running resistance training. That said, I just started a set of pull ups and my back already feels ache-y. Not sure if its injured or just cramping. I can't risk any of that crap. I can't just go "knock a few reps out". None means none. I can't live in a bubble and I definitely don't want to get mental about this but I think I'm grown up enough to avoid push-ups and such.

The issue is that most of my weight loss came from HIIT workouts between runs. I'm a little afraid of gaining some of that back because with HIIT dieting is a bear. I'm pretty sure I won't make my goal (150lbs) but I've dropped 10lbs in a month. I need to be happy with that. I just have to be careful to cut back my feeding on non-workout days, try and figure when to eat and how much.

Its nerve wracking.

I remembered something today about my last weight loss push and how it ended. I started thinking, Is this how I'm going to have to live? i.e. eating under calory, eating bars and oatmeal, no bacon or fired food etc It started wearing me down. I started thinking I can workout like this and eat anything and hold my weight. I didn't put on weight, I think. There was a period around the same time where I was doing heavy muscle building lifts and its possible it was muscle. It doesn't matter because I bottomed out at 165. And then, like I said, I stopped caring. I ate whatever I wanted and told myself it was alright. I wasn't getting fatter.

That's some bad thinking, huh? Its such a fucking mind game. I need to calm down. I need to relax.

 I can't have that happen again and that means changing the way I think about this. I need to like eating less. It needs to make me feel good. I've got to see a way to wanting to eat like this the rest of my life.

I have to believe.

Postscript: I was running today thinking about how to come to love this way of eating. I have always been defined by my lust. I need to redefine myself. The whole me needs to change.